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Post by king on Dec 16, 2004 21:09:51 GMT -8
i got a couple so:
a wealthy lawyer was in his limousine when he saw 2 poor looking guys eating grass, he told the driver to stop and he stepped outside, he asked,"why are u eating grass?", they replied, " we are soo poor that we have no money for food." the lawyer then invited the 2 poor men into his car.
while they were riding in the car, the 2 men thanked the lawyer for his generosity. The lawyer replied," no problems, you'll love my place, the grass there is a foot high!"
#2
superman was flying along when he spotted wonderwoman on the roof naked getting a tan, he thought to himself," dam i gotta get some of the wonder girl thingy, hey! i'm so quick i could fly down do her and she wont know what happened so he flew down did her and flew off. Wonderwoman got up and said, " what the f**k was that?", then invisible man's voice appeared and said," i dont know but my @$$hole is killing me!
I have a crapload more but i just can't remember any or them, well if i remember them i'll post em
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Post by trashbag on Dec 16, 2004 21:59:57 GMT -8
I'm a bit behind in reading posts but i came across jono's lolly of a joke! omg! The invisible ink just added to the interest...I just had to read it then. Glad I did...it was a whopper all right?
Here's one I found on the net:
Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says,
*highlight hidden answer below:
"Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
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Post by jonathonkiler on Dec 17, 2004 12:18:09 GMT -8
000099 is the color code for this color. To make it work, pick a listed color such as black. Then delete the word black and replace it with 000099. That will give you this dark blue color.
For the other light blue color use the code 0066CC.
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Post by skondy on Dec 17, 2004 15:59:59 GMT -8
i dont know but my @$$hole is killing me! Haha, I've heard this joke before, but it always cracks me up, anyway. BTW, great filter, LOL.
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Post by king on Dec 18, 2004 20:54:10 GMT -8
u heard it b4, i'm not surprised i heard it from a movie....i wonder if u know which one tho ..muahhahah
no.wins
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Post by king on Dec 18, 2004 22:03:56 GMT -8
here's some more
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “Pig! ”The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, “Bitch!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'
A man goes to his doctor because he want to improve his sexlife, the doctor says that some men masturbate b4 they have sex earlier in the day. So he thinks about doing it in his office but to risky, thinks about doing it i the toilet but also risky. We was driving his truck when he suddenly stopped, got out of the truck, got underneath the truck, undid his zipper and started doing it while thinking of his lover.. a moment later a police officer came by and asked him what he was doing. He replied, (not bothered to open his eyes) something is broken and i'm fixing it. Then the police officer says, " well i think you should check your brakes aswell cuz the truck rolled down the hill a moment ago."
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Post by kasta on Dec 20, 2004 21:17:22 GMT -8
i thought these were funny when my mom sent them to me
ITALIAN PASTA DIET It really works 1. You walka pasta da bakery. 2. You walka pasta da candy store. 3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream Shop 4. You walka pasta da table and fridge. Also CONCERNED ABOUAT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch wat you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks that Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Post by death0817 on Dec 22, 2004 11:15:52 GMT -8
heheh a friend e-mailed me this one. I had to read it a couple times to get it.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What do I do when I want it down?".
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"
^^
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Post by king on Dec 22, 2004 17:17:53 GMT -8
i heard that one b4 but i still dont get the last bit..explain it to me plz..and u got that from ebaums world didn't u?
u dog u!
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Post by death0817 on Dec 22, 2004 19:19:30 GMT -8
A friend e-mailed teh text to me, but after going to ebaums world I see that it is from there.
Anyways, he gets an erection when he says 1, 2, 3. And to make it go down he has to say 1, 2, 3, 4. So in bed, he says 1, 2, 3 to make it go up. But his wife says "what did you say 1, 2, 3 for?" (1, 2, 3, 4) And since the spell only allows him to get it up once every 3 months...he's pretty much screwed
I know, I had to read it a few times before I got it. ^^
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Post by studlyrocker38 on Dec 23, 2004 2:33:05 GMT -8
The bartender at the local pub walks up to the guy who had just sat down. Sitting down next to man is an ostrich on his right, and a regular housecat on his left. The bartender doesn't say anything about the animals, but asks the guy what he wants to drink. The customer orders 3 beers for him, the ostrich, and the cat. The bartender brings the bill, and the cat gets a scowl on its face and begins hissing at the bartender. The customer then reaches into his pocket, and pulls out exact change. The bartender, finally letting it get to him says, "you're not a ordinary sight, what's your deal." "Well, I had 2 of my wishes come true. I always pull out exact change when ever I need to." The bartender asks, "and what was your second wish?" The customer says, "For a tall chick with a tight girl thingyy."
I personally think that's hilarious, lol.
BLONDE JOKES:
What's the best way to kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.
A blonde walks into a department stores, sees a TV she'd like to buy and says to the guy who works there "I'd like to buy that TV." The man says, "Sorry we don't sell those to dumb blondes." The woman leaves mad, and comes back, wearing a wig with brown hair. "I'd like to buy that TV" "Ma'am, we don't sell those to dumb blondes." Finally, a couple days later, she comes back with her head completely shaved. "Now, give me that TV!" "We don't sell those to dumb blondes." Finally the women gets frustrated to the extreme. "WHY WON'T YOU SELL BLONDES THOSE TV'S?" The employee laughs and says, "because its a mircowave."
One of my favorite jokes:
So you're driving down the street, and you spot two people in the street. George Bush and a tall blonde. So, who would you run over first?
Its easy. The Blonde. Business before pleasure.
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Post by Chalupa! on Jan 13, 2005 22:42:28 GMT -8
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
Ooh, Ben Afflick AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
While I'm up, can I get you anything?
Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch the Soap's Channel.
Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
We never talk anymore
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Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
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Post by trashbag on Jan 14, 2005 3:34:32 GMT -8
I dont know if i should laugh or cry..but it has been true for me in my life. i was married once and I still complain to friends that the diamond was not big enough. Well it wasnt!
And those men never let go of the remote. I had to buy an extra tv! And clothes, well a woman can't have too many shoes. I dream of having Mrs Marcos' wardrobe with that ginnormous shoe room!!
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Post by death0817 on Jan 14, 2005 19:02:14 GMT -8
www.ebaumsworld.com/mallmap.htmlFunny pic to go with the male/female stereotype. And a funny joke from eBaum's world: A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”<br> “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”<br> “Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”<br> “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”<br> Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”<br> “That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”<br> The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”<br> “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”<br> “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”<br> “Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”<br> “Because you got an F in sex.”<br> ^^ Here's another very tasteless but funny nonetheless joke. Prudes and Amish people beware... A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for." ^^;
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Post by navyceals on Jan 27, 2005 14:38:46 GMT -8
Lawyers have quite a bad rap huH? lol. I'd heard the 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea being a good start, but I liked the fact that people would try to brake for a dog The microwave/tv blonde one was good too. So here's another blonde one: A blind man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a blonde joke. The bartender says, before you go any further I have to warn you that I am blonde, the 400 pound wrestler on your left is blonde, the man on your right is blonde and the bouncer is blonde, now do you still want to continue that joke? The blind man thinks about it for a few seconds and then says, nah I don't want to have to explain it 4 times. hahahahahahahha NavY_Ceals
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